A MODERN NOAH'S ARK

A MODERN NOAH'S ARK

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm
going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered
with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people, and two of every
kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to
build Me an Ark", said the Lord. And in a flash of
lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the
blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord.
"You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim
for a very long time." And six months passed.
The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard,
weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord,
"where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the
ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best.
But there were big problems. First I had to get a building
permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans
didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw
the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not
the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors
objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the
Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from
the city planning commission. "Then I had a big problem
getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on
cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince
U.S. Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood to save
the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.
So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and
went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with
the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going
on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued
by the animal rights group. They objected to me taking
only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed,
EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed
Flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had
no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed
new flood plan. I sent them a globe.

"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from
the Equal Employment Opportunity Commisssion over how
many Crotians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized
all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes
by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the
state about owing some kind of use tax. "I really don't
think I can finish your Ark for at least another five
years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow
arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah
asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the
Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite
the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood..
Something Man invented himself."
"What's that?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh his Last Word,
"Government."