Gym instructor

''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''

preoccupation

'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

work

You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

hillbilly country

Q. Who is the poorest guy in hillbilly country?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Hertz

Someone just got hit by a rented car.
It still Hertz.

Kleptomaniacs

I tried to join the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting – but all the seats were taken.

Stockholm Syndrome.

I’ve just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.

Velcro

Velcro – what a rip-off.

corrected

‘I stand corrected,’ said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

err

To err is human.
To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

Dust

Wife: What’s on the telly?
Husband: Dust.

Late one night

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m an important politician!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

punished

One day a boy came home running while crying. His mother asked what happened why are you crying? The boy said`I got punished for something I did not do’. His mother said ‘That’s horrible. what did you not do’. The boy in tears said`my homework’

blessing

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

A small boy is sent to bed

A small boy is sent to bed by his father… Five minutes later: "Da-ad…" "What?" "I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad…" "WHAT?" "I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!" Five minutes later: "Daaad…" "WHAT?!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

camouflage

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning." "Thank you very much, sir."

An old guy in his Volvo

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

cold in here

Son: Dad, it's so cold in here! Father: Go stand in the corner. Son: Why? Father: The corner is 90 degrees.

responsible

Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job." "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."

operating table

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe." But what does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

married for 50 years

A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

problem with the car

Wife:"There's trouble with car. It has water in the carburetor." Husband:"Water in a carburetor? That's ridiculous." Wife:"I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." Husband:"You don't even know what a carburetor is.I'll check it out. Where's the car?" Wife:"In the pool."

more space

My husband said he wanted more space. So I locked him outside.

lazy

A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to. When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

kleptomaniacs

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Facebook joke

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

Facebook joke

Facebook is like a fridge. Even when u know there's nothing new going on, u still go on & check it every 10 minute.

breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."