ONE'S BODY A TEMPLE

Man: "One's body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

NO INTERRUPTION

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I MADE HIM

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

LAST WORD

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.

YOUR CHOICE

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

SNAILS AND TURTLES

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS-CHILDBIRTH

What is a Jewish American Princess's idea of natural childbirth? going into the delivery room without make up on

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS-SUICIDE

How does a Jewish American Princess commit suicide? She piles up her clothes and jumps

BIG DECISIONS

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

BEFORE CRITICIZING....

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

WHAT DOLL WOULD YOU LIKE?

A teen girl goes into a toy store and asks
the assistant for an doll.
"Would you like male or female?"
"Female, please."
"Would you likeIsraeli, European or Arab"
This question confused the girl, so she asked,
"What has nationality got to do with it? It's a
doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Arab one blows
itself up!"

WHAT'S THAT

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.

"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating idiot!!"

THE BURKA EFFECT

A MUSLIM KID CAN'T FIND HIS MUM IN THE SUPERMARKET.
THER STORE ATTENDANT ASKS " WHAT DOES SHE LOOK LIKE?"
THE KID REPLIES "HOW SHOULD I KNOW....?!"

WHOSE KIPPAH?

A father asked his son to say the motzi(blessing over bread). The boy realized he didn't have his head covered, so he asked his little brother to put a hand on his head until he finished the blessing. After a few minutes, the younger son grew impatient and took off his hand. A bit upset, dad said, "What are you doing? Put your hand back on your brother's head" The son then said ... "Am I my brother's KIPPAH?"

WEARING OFF

A husband was just coming out of anaesthesia after having surgery in the hospital, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, "You're beautiful." 

He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to beautiful?" she asked him. 

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

PREPOSITION

Why do male bosses have such poor grammar? 
Because they end every sentence with a proposition. 

JUST LISTEN

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "IDIOT!!!"

They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen.

DIRECTIONS

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? 
So they can find their way back to the house. 

DEVOTION?

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

QUITS

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

A WOMANS PRAYER

A Woman's Prayer:

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

THE BROKER

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."