TASTE OF RELIGION

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

FOOD IN A BAR

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve food."

Another Month Ends:

Another Month Ends:

All Targets Met
All Systems Working
All Customers Satisfied
All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
All Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly

CRYING LIKE A BABY

Stock Brokers sleep like babies - they wake up every hour and cry a little.

THE LAST THING

The last thing I want to do is offend you. But it's still on the list.

DOLPHIN

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

SINCERITY

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it

VENI VIDI

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

SWORD

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Confucius Say

Confucius Say-Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Five Important Qualities

Five Important Qualities
1.It's important to have a woman,who helps at home,who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2.It'simportant to have a woman,who can make you laugh. 
3.It'simportant to have a woman,who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 
4.It'simportant to have a woman,who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 
5.It'svery,very important that these four women do not know each other.

PASSWORD

During a recent password audit, it was found that a dimwit was using the following password: 
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy 
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

WHO IS THE BOSS

This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed." 
One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?" 
The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"

THE AGENT

A struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find police & fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.and asks"What happened?"One of the officer's said,"It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog & burned your house."The actor is speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief."My agent came to my house?"

TAXES

Q: How is golf like taxes?
A: Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.

CONTROL

Q: Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
A: He couldn't control his pupils!

MATH

Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!

CASINO

Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino? 
Because he was on a roll.

CALORIE

Calorie: 
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

THIRSTY

Thirsty: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."

BOIL

Boil: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic 'Yuck' before a food is even tasted.

Quick, Get me a beer!

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the

television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another

beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight?

Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken,

fat slob, and furthermore."

The man sighs and says, "It's started."

GRENADES

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

You Caught My Eye

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

Just Before I Die

Showing his friend around his his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!"

"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

ANGRY WIFE

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Mother of Six!

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six " in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts across the room at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

ZEN HOT DOG

Have you heard about the Zen Buddhist monk who went  to a hot dog stand  and said make one with everything

NEW PATIENT

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, “I m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.” “Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

INNER PEACE

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. 

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. 

I feel better already.

EMOTIONAL EXTREMES

psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes."Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?""Sadness," said the student.the opposite of depression?"he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," said she."you sir," he said to the young cowboy"the opposite of woe?"The cowboy replied,"Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up

I WONDER

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

HELLO

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, “Hello.” The other thinks, “I wonder what he meant by that.”

CRIMINAL RECORD

A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?", the Scot replies, "Well no . . . I didn't realise you still needed one to get in!"

THE POOR ANIMAL

Little Shimmy came home from school one day and found his mother in a new mink coat.

“Wow, Mom. That poor animal must have suffered terribly just so you could have a fur coat.”

“Why, Shimmy!” exclaimed his shocked mother. “What kind of a way is that to talk about your father?”

LOVE-0

Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
To them, "Love" means nothing

THE PRAYER

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That’s very commendable. What does she actually say?" 
The little boy replied, "Thank G-d he's in bed!"

STARVING

How are you?
A man calls his mother and asks, "How are you?" 
"Not too good," she says. "I'm feeling very weak." the son says, "Why are you so weak?" 
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 23 days." 
The man says "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?" 
The mother answers, "because I didn't want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!

THE RESUME

Jewish Mothers don't differ from any other in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons. 
One Mother, trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their just graduated-from-college sons said, "My Irving has had so many fine interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."

JEWISH GANGSTER

A Jewish gangster escapes from a shootout with the police and staggers in to his mothers apartment on the lower East Side. Near death and with a gaping wound in his chest, he gasps, "Ma, I've been shot." 
"Oy. Eat first," his mother says, "Later, we'll talk."

I'M SERIOUS

Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag. 
"I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped. 
"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?" 
"No, demmit, I'm serious!"

MR COHEN

A client walked into the law firm of Cohen, Cohen, Cohen,and Cohen. He said to a clerk behind the counter "I would like to speak to Mr. Cohen." 
"I'm sorry, but the founder of the firm is deceased." 
"OK, let me speak to Mr. Cohen" 
"Mr. Cohen isn't taking new clients." 
"OK, let me speak to Mr. Cohen." 
"Mr, Cohen is in court today."
"Nu, so let me speak to Mr. Cohen already."
"Speaking."

THE MOYEL

U. N. officials have hailed Mahmud Abbas's decision to convert to Judaism as a major step in bringing peace to the Middle East. 
In Israel, government offices were swamped beyond capacity by applicants volunteering to be the moyel.

CIVIL SERVANT

A civil servant is badly hurt falling down the stairs of the Ministry of Absorption in Jerusalem. 
He is taken to Hadassah hospital where he remains in a coma for several days. 
Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him: 
"My friend, I have for you some bad news and some good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again..." 
"Nu," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "And what's the bad news?"

OUT OF BED!!

shlomie is still in bed shabbat morning at 10:30 and his furious mum storms in and says 'schlomie! get up and go to shul!' 'i dont want to' replied schlomie 'they all hate me and my friends arent even here this shabbat'! 'i will give you 2 reasons why u will get up now, get dressed and go to shul. 1) you are 55 years old 2) you are the Rabbi!!

WHO

Q: Who was the first person to learn Chumash with Rashi...?? A: His father!!!

RESPONSIBLE

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." 

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

VARIETY

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."

EDUCATIONAL

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

NEVER AGAIN

‎"I'm never going to work for that man again"
"Why, what did he say?"
"You're fired"