Monday, August 3, 2015
all the things
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
I try to live by the adage
I try to live by the adage: You scratch my back; I’ll let you know when to stop.
grass is greener
If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can be sure the water bill is higher.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby".
You should always give 100% at work.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Every time you talk to your wife
Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes'
"I've really had it with my dog
"I've really had it with my dog," said the first guy to his neighbor. "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle"
"Hmmm, that is a problem," said the neighbor. "What are you thinking of doing about it?"
"Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike
NO TO LIVING IN A VEGETATIVE STATE
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
PRIORITIES
A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?"
"Right here at your side, my love."
"And my son, Moishe...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my son, Abraham...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"What, none of you idiots is minding the store?"
WHO GETS THE KIDS
A couple of friends meet after a long time:
"I divorced my wife." One says.
"Really? How did you do it?"
"We hired a lawyer who helped divide the assets and stuff."
"What about the kids?"
"Well,...we've decided that whoever got more money would also take the kids."
"That sounds fair. And who got them?
"The lawyer."
"I divorced my wife." One says.
"Really? How did you do it?"
"We hired a lawyer who helped divide the assets and stuff."
"What about the kids?"
"Well,...we've decided that whoever got more money would also take the kids."
"That sounds fair. And who got them?
"The lawyer."
PRONOUNCE
Two dimwits were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one dimwit asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr- gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.
As they stood at the counter, one dimwit asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr- gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.
PREPARATION A
Q: What is Preparation A?
A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids.
A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids.
I can't believe I got fired
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
A recent study
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
house wifi
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
small donation
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Stockholm Syndrome
I’ve just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.
The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.
construction site thief
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
pile of books
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
kleptomaniacs
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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