Oral Exam

Saul Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For
His Citizenship Papers.
He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate"
He Spelled It Correctly.
He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A
Very Cold Day, I Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I
Took The Subvay Home."

marrying a "shiksa."

A Jewish businessman warned his son against
marrying a "shiksa." 
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A
shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, the father called the son,
who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied.
The father was surprised: "But we always work on 

Saturday. It's our
busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted,
"because my wife, the convert, wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause
problems."

Three Eastern European Jews

Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel,
and Shmerel were talking about moving to the US. 
Berel says, "When I move to America,
I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call
me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says, "When I move to America, I'll also
have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving."

Kol Nidre

Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know
tonight is Kol Nidre, but
tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi,
I'm a lifelong Yankee fan.
I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCRs
are for."
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol
Nidre"?

bus ride

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew doesn't answer.

"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"

The old Jew still doesn't answer.

"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I
really want to know what time it is. Why won't you
answer me?"

The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this
route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I
answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must
invite you to my home.

You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will
both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell
me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a
watch?"

bingo hall

How do you get 200 Iranians out of a bingo hall?
Shout "B-52"

Air Force One

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff

. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor."Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath."Did you see this terrible accident happen?""Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly."Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?""Yep.""Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped."Nope. They's all killed straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.""The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief."Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

distraught wife

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

aspiring psychiatrists

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?""Sadness," said the student.And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," said she."And you sir," he said to the young hill billy, "how about the opposite of woe?"The hill billy replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Element Name: WOMAN

Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)Physical properties: Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Lemon Picker

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. 

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" 

"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."