Never go to sleep angry

When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry." "That’s a great philosophy," I noted. "Yes. And the longest we’ve been awake so far is five days."

Smaller man

When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my 200-plus-pound father and another large man. "I bet you wish you’d married a smaller man," my father said. My mother mumbled, "I did."

Wedding ring

Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?

A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.

Love me

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

Wine

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

fortune cookies

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”