New Evidence

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." 

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" 

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Meat

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?" 

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night." 

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?" 

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?" asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

Scratch

A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her. 

"Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked. 

"It's Mrs.," she said proudly, "I just got married." 

"Congratulations," said the manager. "What can I help you find?" 

"Scratch," she replied. 

"Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"

"No silly," she replied brightly. "My husband told me that his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!"

Hiccups

A boy walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist merely leaned over and slapped the kid on the back. 

"Why did you do that to me?" asked the boy. 

"Well, you don't have the hiccups now, do you!" 

"No, but my Mom out in the car still does!" the boy replied.

Yoga

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave. 

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?" 

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

The unavoidable laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch. 

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Joe's law: No matter how many or how few narrow bridges there are between you and your destination, you will always meet at least one car on each bridge. This will hold true even if you pass no other car on your trip.

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

I lied about my age

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. 

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Sign

A local priest and a local pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. 

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. 

From around the curve they heard a big splash. 

"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

Money

So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?" 

"Yeah," says the kid. 

"Well, it doesn't," says the dad. 

"So what is money made out of, Dad?" 

"Paper," the dad says. 

"And what is paper made out of?"

"Shut up."

Ice

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure. 
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure. 
When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems. 
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. 

Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

Forgetful Parrot

A parrot flies into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the parrot a drink. 

The parrot complains: "Hey! You forgot the little umbrella!" 

The bartender puts the little umbrella into the drink and the parrot is satisfied. 

The parrot drinks a couple more drinks and then leaves. 

After the parrot has left, a man sitting next to it says to the bartender: "Huh, I've never seen anything like that before!" 

The bartender replies: "So! Anyone can forget the little umbrella sometimes!"