STAIRS

An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg.

As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.

Several weeks later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

"Yes," the doctor replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shimmying up and down that drainpipe!"

HOCKEY

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him an imbecile."

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb jerk', is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

LATE

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street – he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness, I took that first aidcourse– all my training came back to me in a flash."

"What did you do, apply a tourniquet?" asks the bartender.

"No, I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

I

Teacher: "Billy, give me a sentence starting with "I."

Billy: "I is ..."

Teacher: "No, Billy. Always say, "I am."

Billy: "OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

SON

A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse beckoned to one of them and said, "Congratulations, you have a son!"

Another expectant dad dropped his magazine, jumped up and said, "Hey, what's the big idea? I got here two hours before he did!"

LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!

"Look at me!" boasted the energetic old man to a group of young people.

"Every morning I do 50 push-ups, 50 sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes gleaming and said, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" chuckled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

KEEPING THE FAITH

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "G-d loves you. Do you believe in G-d?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew or a Muslim?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!"

CENTIPEDE

A guy sees anadvertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."

The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.

The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.

He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?''

The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

RARE

My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, California. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blonde hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.
The waitress gave us a stare and replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

SCALE

"Darn!" the man said to his friend while weighing himself at the drug-store scale.

"I started on a new diet but the scale says I'm heavier than I was before."

Turning to his friend, he said, "Here, hold my jacket."

The scale still indicated that he had not lost any weight.

"OK," he said to his friend. "Hold my cupcakes."

VERDICT

A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that the jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor replied, "All 12 of you?"

GOOD DADDY

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one was most deserving of the prize.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, Daddy, you can keep the toy.
"

THE BIKER

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No, I haven't."

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window. "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No, I haven't."

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. The biker, while in severe pain, asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"

ANYTHING NEW

A teacher and his wife were sitting at the dinner table when the wife asked, "Anything new at work?"

"No," he replied. "I teach history, remember."

HEARING

A man sat across the desk from his doctor and complained that he believed his wife might be hard of hearing.

The doctor told him, "This is what you need to do. Start out twenty feet from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't hear you, move a little closer and ask your question again. This way you'll be able to tell just how deaf she really is."

The man went home and put his doctor's plan into immediate action.

Upon arriving home he entered the living room and yelled out, "Hi hon!" Nothing.

He walked into the kitchen to find his wife at the stove with her back to him. He stood as far away from her as he could. He asked, "What's for dinner?" Nothing.

He moved closer and repeated the question. Again, nothing.

Finally he moved toward her until his lips were just a few inches from her ears and asked a final time.

She suddenly turned around and bellowed, "For the third time – meatloaf!"

9-11

An slighlty slow woman called 9-1-1 on her cellphone to report her car had been broken into.

She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

Disregard," he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."

BRANDING

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none has survived the branding."

AFTER ME

Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?"

Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?"

Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this firm for over ten years."

Boss: "Yes."

Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first."

Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time."

Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade."

Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?"

Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!"

Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: "Oh, the electric company, gas company, water company and the mortgage company!"

WEIGHT

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

PIANO

Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night.

There was a tap on the door and when he opened it his landlord was standing

outside.

"Do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?" he snarled


Tony answered, "No, but if you hum a few bars I'll give it a shot."

THE BROSE

Jack: Say, Jill, how did you get a swollen nose?

Jill: I bent down to smell a brose in my garden.

Jack: Not brose, rose, Jill. There's no B in rose.

Jill: There was in this one!

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your
neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '

NINE

I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

LEIF

One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.

He sent his wife to town hall to complain to the mayor.

"I'm sorry," said the mayor, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

STOP SIGN

A woman drove a minivan filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

"Hey, lady, don't you know when to stop?" yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think they're all mine ?"

SINGLES AD

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks companionship,ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a good looking girl who LOVES to play.I love long walks,riding inyour pickup truck,camping,fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
I'll be outside when youget home from work,wearing only what nature gave me.Call (555)555-5555),ask for Daisy.
More than 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

I WANT TO BUY

‎:A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner
Catholic: “I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!”
Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”
Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!”
They then all wait for the Jew to speak....
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
“I'm not selling!!!...”

MAY I SEE YOUR PERMIT?

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall.

Striding over, a policeman asked, "May I please see your permit?"

"I don't have one," confessed the musician.

"In that case, you'll have to accompany me

"Splendid!" exclaimed the musician. "What instrument do you play?"

IMPORTED

A customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"

DADDY LIKED IT

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

GREAT OUTLOOK

With his ball and bat in hand Petey walked to home plate in an empty baseball field.

He threw the ball up in the air and announced, "I am the best ball player ever!"

He swung with all his power, but missed.

He did the same thing and missed again. He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time and said, "I am the best ball player in the world!"

Then he swung and missed again.


"Wow! he said. "What a pitcher!"

WINDOW WASHER

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He said, "I used to be a window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."

PASSWORD

"I needed a password eight characters long .
so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

CUBICLE

I was in the public toilet& had just sat down when a voice from the next cubicle said,"Hi, how are you?"
Embarrassed,I said,"I'm doing fine."The voice said,"So what are you up to?"
I said,"Just doing the same as you, sitting here."
From next door I hear,"Can I come over?"
I reply,"I'm kinda rather busy right now."
The annoyed voice replies,"Listen, I'll have to call you back,there's an idiot next door answering all my questions."

TRUCK

A rich rancher comes upon a poor struggling farmer .
The rancher looks at the struggling farmer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?"
Farmer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say."
Rancher (boasting): "Well, on my homestead, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!"
Farmer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too.

SLEEPING DOG

I have a dog that talks in its sleep.

One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am 700-years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!"

When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."

YOU BROUGHT THEM

This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?"

The guy replied, "a hamburgergerger." Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "a steak" This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.
The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are addicted."

The guy replied, "I'm addicted?????????. You're the one who keeps showing me all those food pictures."

GOT TO WATCH IT

Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan. I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV".

The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCR's are for".

Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"

REPENT

Anewly observant house painter was meeting with his Rebbe during the Days of Awe, and wondering how he could correct his previous misdeeds.
"Rebbe, I've done awful things as a painter. I've done sloppy jobs, used inferior quality paints and lied about it, I cut my paints with turpentine, and cut corners. How can I make up for these evil deeds that I've committed in a previous life?"
The Rebbe thought for a while, looked at the painter and then pronounced: "Repaint, Repaint, and thin no more."

A CHOICE

A rabbi and a minister were sitting together on a plane. The stewardess came up to them and asked, "Would you care for a cocktail?" "Sure" said the rabbi. "Please bring me a Manhattan." "Fine, sir," said the stewardess. "And you, Reverend?" "Young lady," he said, "before I touch strong drink, I'd just as soon commit adultery!" "Oh miss," said the rabbi, "as long as there's a choice...I'll have what he's having."

I WANT TO BE A KOHEN

A Jew visited a rabbi and offered to give him $10,000 if he’ll make him a Kohen. The rabbi said he could not do that. The fellow offered $50,000 but to no avail. “I’ll pay off your mortgage,” said the fellow, “if you’ll make me a Kohen.” “I can’t do that,” said the Rabbi, “but tell me, why do you want to be a Kohen so badly?” “My father was a Kohen and my grandfather before him.”

WHAT A CHOICE!!!!

A rabbi, a cantor and a congregation president are all held up by a robber who points a gun at them. “Let me at least give one more sermon before you shoot me,” pleads the rabbi. “Let me at least sing Kol Nidre once more before you shoot me,” cries the cantor. “Shoot me first,” begs the president.

CAN'T WIN

My Jewish mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

IS IT ALLOWED?

a man asks his Rabbi before Yom Kippur if its okay to use a caffeine suppository on Yom Kippur because he is addicted to coffee. The Rabbi looks into it and rules that its permitted. The next day the man goes to the drugstore and orders 150 caffeine suppositories. The pharmacist asks him why so many? He responds I am sponsoring Kiddush!

YOUR AGE

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN?

 There are only two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

HAMMER

A Rabbi was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine. As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him.

The youngster did not say a word, so the Rabbi kept working. He was sure the lad would soon leave but he didn't.

Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the Rabbi finally said, "Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on carpentry work?"

"Nope. I'm just waiting to hear what a Rabbi says when he hits his thumb with a hammer."

SUPPERS READY

Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

CHANGE MY NAME

Mum, can I please change my name right now?" asked Ben.

"But why would you want to do that, dear ?" said his mum.

"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin !"

BABY BROTHER

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

LAMP

A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

THE ZOO

One day Joe's mother turned to Joe's father and said," It's such a nice day, I think I'll take Joe to the zoo."

"I wouldn't bother," said father. "If they want him, let them come and get him!"

WORMS

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

ESCAPE

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

ESCAPE

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

THE COLLEGE GRAD

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

THE POLICY

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the
insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured
for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan.
Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the
value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of
comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "In that case,
I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

A BLESSING

A rabbi is visiting a Nursing home. As he leaves each resident he asks the age and offers at blessing. The first person is 80. He blesses the man to live another 40 years till 120. The next one is 95. He blesses the woman to live another 25 years till 120. This goes on until he gets to the last person. He asked the man his age. The answer is 120. The rabbi blesses him and says have a nice day.

SHE INSISTED

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty... they sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

NO PRESSURE

A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

HELLO

Hello.
- Hello -that's you, Abe?
- Yes, dis is Abe...
- It doesn't sount like Abe
- Vell, dis is Abe all right.
- You're positive it's Abe?
- Absolutely.
- Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty dolluhs?
- Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you called...

BATH

The health minister Manto Msimang visiting a psychiatric ward. She asks the head of psychology "How do you determine if a patient is cured."The psychologist explains."We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster"."Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug".

READY FOR A HOLIDAY

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

OIL

The ___ have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million ton's of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

HE KNOWS MORE!!!!!!

Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!"
To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

A MINUTE

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

LEAN

Alcohol doesn't make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN ...
against tables, chairs, floors, walls etc

THE MERGER

When FaceBook, MySpace and Twitter merge into one super social networking company what will it be called? A: They will call it "My Twit Face."

LEFT ALONE

A friend once complained to my sister about the difficulties contained in child rearing, especially the lack of peace and quite rest.

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," my sister suggested.

So my sister's friend bought a playpen. A few days later, my sister called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," she replied. "I get in the pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

DUST

After Shul one Shabbos, little Chaim walked up to the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Chaim, I did," he said.

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening," the Rabbi replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

SHINE

"Doctor, all day long my daughter eats yeast and car wax, and won't get out of bed! What will happen to her?"

"Don't worry," said the Doctor, "eventually she will rise and shine."

THE BILL

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client, with a note attached that read, "This Bill is one year old".

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. Attached to it was a note that read, "Happy Birthday!"

DREAM

The school of agriculture's dean was interviewing a prospective student.

"Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean, much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

NEED A RAISE

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "Three other companies are after me."

"Is that so?" asked the boss. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

SOLVED

The ___ have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million ton's of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

NEED A HOLIDAY

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

EMPTY THE BATH

The health minister Manto Msimang visiting a psychiatric ward. She asks the head of psychology "How do you determine if a patient is cured."The psychologist explains."We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster"."Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug".

ELECTION DAY

The first Jewish President is elected.

He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to

come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"

"But I only eat kosher food"

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo,just come mama"

"Ok Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible" "His brother's a doctor!"

HELLO

Hello.
- Hello -that's you, Abe?
- Yes, dis is Abe...
- It doesn't sount like Abe
- Vell, dis is Abe all right.
- You're positive it's Abe?
- Absolutely.
- Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty dolluhs?
- Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you called...

NAME

A young Jewish Mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
" Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"

" And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."

"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

" So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"

The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."

IF THEY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard
it is to get this junk off the ceiling?"


ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other
kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across thePotomac, you can kiss
your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man,midnightis long
past your curfew!"

SENT HOME

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty... they sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

WEIGHT IN GOLD

MAUDE—"Jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold."

ETHEL—"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"

MAUDE—"His creditors."

HMMMM

‎"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his pal emerged from the window.

"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer," replied the other in disgust.

"Dat's hard luck," said the first; "did youse lose anyt'ing?"

WHY SO ANGRY ?

What is he so angry with you for?"

"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were talking just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he flared up and tried to kick me."

"And what were you talking about?"

"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always kiss my wife three or four times every day.'"

"And what did you say?"

"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had a fit."

NEIGHBORS

MRS. JENKINS—"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought a house next you, with a water frontage."

MRS. SMITH—"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time."