New Evidence

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." 

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" 

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Meat

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?" 

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night." 

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?" 

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?" asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

Scratch

A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her. 

"Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked. 

"It's Mrs.," she said proudly, "I just got married." 

"Congratulations," said the manager. "What can I help you find?" 

"Scratch," she replied. 

"Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"

"No silly," she replied brightly. "My husband told me that his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!"

Hiccups

A boy walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist merely leaned over and slapped the kid on the back. 

"Why did you do that to me?" asked the boy. 

"Well, you don't have the hiccups now, do you!" 

"No, but my Mom out in the car still does!" the boy replied.

Yoga

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave. 

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?" 

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

The unavoidable laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch. 

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Joe's law: No matter how many or how few narrow bridges there are between you and your destination, you will always meet at least one car on each bridge. This will hold true even if you pass no other car on your trip.

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

I lied about my age

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. 

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Sign

A local priest and a local pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. 

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. 

From around the curve they heard a big splash. 

"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

Money

So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?" 

"Yeah," says the kid. 

"Well, it doesn't," says the dad. 

"So what is money made out of, Dad?" 

"Paper," the dad says. 

"And what is paper made out of?"

"Shut up."

Ice

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure. 
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure. 
When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems. 
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. 

Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

Forgetful Parrot

A parrot flies into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the parrot a drink. 

The parrot complains: "Hey! You forgot the little umbrella!" 

The bartender puts the little umbrella into the drink and the parrot is satisfied. 

The parrot drinks a couple more drinks and then leaves. 

After the parrot has left, a man sitting next to it says to the bartender: "Huh, I've never seen anything like that before!" 

The bartender replies: "So! Anyone can forget the little umbrella sometimes!"

haircut

A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.

"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"

The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?"

lonely frog

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

boxer

Pet Owner: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner."
Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."

Things you shouldn't say to a police officer

Things you shouldn't say to a police officer:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police... officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!See More

I'll take____

Judge: "I shall have to give you ten days or $20."
Prisoner: "I'll take the $20, Judge!"

Term

A Stalin era guard asked a political prisoner, "What is your term?"
"Ten years."
"What for?"
"For nothing."
"What a lie! For nothing they give only five years."

Spreading jokes

Stalin summoned Radek and said, "I know you spread jokes about me. It's impertinent."
"Why?"
"I am the Great Leader, Teacher, and Friend of the people after all."
"No, I've not told anybody this joke."

Youthful figure

QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful

figure?
ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.

After 35

Should I have a baby after 35?

No, 35
children is enough.

Cows and money

Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because the farmers milk them dry.

Sense of humor

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.

Pampered

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk

Cells

Failed my biology test today, when they asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently criminals wasn't the correct answer.

Dimwit

What did the dimwit say when she found out that she was pregnant?
I hope it's not mine.

Did not do it

Student: "would you ever punish me for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "of course not."
Student: "good cause, I didn't do my homework..."

Click

I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

Where were you?

Police officer: Where were you between 4 and 6?
Me: Kindergarden

Happy Frogs

Why are frogs so happy?
They eat watever bugs them!

Baggage

Rabbi Rabinovitz is going on holiday to Israel. He arrives at Heathrow Airport and goes to have his luggage checked in.
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" asks the girl at the check-in desk.
Rabbi Rabinovitz replies, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"

Rushing into a bar

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one.

"Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."

"You would be too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.

"Fifty cents."

Lost

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my friend!"

The cop said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "cola and gum!"

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading.

He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."

A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

Rings

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said:

"Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"

What women say, and what they really mean...

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE. ... you cheap slob!

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned.

... I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU. ... just not in that way.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. ...I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. ...I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

Ground

Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

Collection

“Mama, there’s a man at the door,” said little Johnny.
“He says he’s collecting for senior citizens. Do you think we should hide Grandpa?”

Windows

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

Pot of Coffee

Cousin Elly, who happens to be a little spacey, is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

“Wonderful!” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”

THANK YOU

Little Emma returned from the birthday party and her mother asked: “Did you say ‘thank you’?”
“Well, no,” replied the little girl. “Y’see, the girl ahead of me thanked her and she said, ‘Don’t mention it!’ so I didn’t.”

CAFFEINE

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz: It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no sweetner. For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of a barrista: Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Choicest Tasters forever. Amen