PRAISE THE LORD

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride. "Before you start," the preacher said, "you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is: Praise the Lord, and Stop is: Amen."

So the man on the horse says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells, "Amen!"

The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "Praise the Lord!" . . .

NOT IN TEN MINUTES

Johnny Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the train station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. Look, my suit is still damp. Then I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

SOME JUST DO NOT GET IT

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5, 10, 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, hugged her for several minutes, then sat her back down.

Afterward, the wife sat there speechless. The counselor looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS THAT at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

HORRIBLE LANGUAGE

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Stan started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!"

"Frannie, Frannie," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama."

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words." Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama, words like dust, wash, iron, and cook . . . "

POOR DUMB BEAST

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that."

A RING

The woman asked her dim witted boyfriend, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure," he replied. "What's your phone number?"

SKIN GRAFT

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin.

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"

CALF SPEED

On summer vacation, Josie and her son, James, went to visit Josie's Uncle Jon who owned a nice farm. While there, Uncle Jon was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, James, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.

Uncle Jon thought to himself: "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees' to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I'll just answer them as best I can."

After Uncle Jon finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to James and asked him: "Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?"

"Just one," the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"

THE HILLS

• • • Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
      
      Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
      Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
      A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
      
      "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
      Bob brings his wife in.
      
      An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
      
      
      With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
      
      
      After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried."Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
      
      
      The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
      
      
      Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
      
      
      Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
      
      
      He bursts in and shouts to his master:
      
      
      "Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

THE PERFECT SHOT

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

100%

Help me always to give 100% at work...

12% on Monday,

23%on Tuesday,

40% on Wednesday,

20% on Thursday, and

5% on Friday. 

FEELING BETTER

Just sit back, relax, feel the tension leave your body ... picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Butterflies waft in the breeze. Leaves rustle. Nothing can bother you here. Nobody knows this secret place. You are in complete seclusion from that place called 'the world'. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now........ don't you feel better?

BEFORE IT STARTS

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ...

EFFICIENCY

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

RETREAT

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

TROUBLE WITH THE CAR

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the 
carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.
I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

6 Million Dollar Question

Married for many years, Paul had been ignored by his wife, Liz, for some days, so eventually he confronted her with what he perceived as the problem.

'Come on Liz, admit it,' he ranted, 'You only married me because my granddad left me $6 million, didn't you?'

'You really are silly, Paul,' retorted Liz loudly, 'I couldn't care less who left it to you.'

A Little Reading is Dangerous

The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,

'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'.

BIG CATCH

Michael and Peter went on a fishing trip. They hired all the equipment: the reels, the rods, bait, wading boots, rowing boat, the car and even a log cabin in the woods. No expense was spared for their yearly expedition.

On the first day they went fishing they didn't catch a thing. The same thing happened on the second day, and on the third day. It continued like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Michael caught a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. Peter turns to his friend, Michael, and says, 'Do you realise that this one pathetic fish we have caught cost us £900?'

Michael replies with a jaundiced smile, 'Crikey, it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!'

G-D IS WATCHING

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Religious elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. G-d is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, “Take all you want. G-d is watching the apples.”
____________________

Is the wife in control?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. G-d comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to goin already" 

Said and done, the next time G-d looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. 

G-d got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? 

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

He's going to Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 

The man said, "I do Father." 

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" 

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. 

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." 

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Leader of the HMO

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at heavens door the guard  asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?'

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free the Doctor was told, 'you may go in.'

The guard then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. The guard then told her 'you may go in.'

The guard asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which the guard replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'

Run over the rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. 

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." 

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."

A department store

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" 

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. 

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him. 

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" 

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. 

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?" 

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!" 

Calming your son

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." 

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." 

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert." 

What is your name?

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." 

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. 

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." 

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man. 

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" 

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'" 

"I say Sem Ting." 

We go bear hunting

Two Idiot hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home. 

Want to be healed?

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. 

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" 

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. 

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. 

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension." 

Safe to swim here?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" 

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" 

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. 

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" 

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. 

"The sharks got 'em." 

Calculating your age

Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court. The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"
"I’m 40 years old, your Honour."
The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?"
"I’m 40 years old, your Honour," answered Sadie again.
"Well," said the judge, "you’re not being truthful. It’s written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you’re over 60."
"But your Honour," replied Sadie, "I’m not counting the last 20 years with my husband."
"Why not?" asked the judge.
"You call that living?" replied Sadie.

The results

Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel aside and says, "I don't like the look of your wife at all."
"I don’t either, doctor," says Lionel, "but she's really very good with the children and she’s a great cook."

Spend, spend, spend

Freda comes back from her trip to Brent Cross shopping centre and tells her Moshe that she’s just bought another new designer dress.
"What? You must be joking," Moshe shouts at her. "That’s the third one you’ve bought this week. Where on earth do you think I’m going to find the money to pay for them?"
"I may be many things, darling," Freda replies, "but inquisitive I’m not."

Chanukah cards

Sadie is holidaying in Israel and goes to the post office for some stamps for her Chanukah cards. "Can I have 50 Chanukah stamps please?"
"Of course," says the clerk, "what denomination?"
"Oy vay," says Sadie, "has it come to this already?  OK, give me 14 conservative, 28 reform and 8 orthodox stamps please."

What’s your position?

acob is out sailing in his expensive yacht when he gets into difficulties and has to call out the lifeboat. Because the coastguard needs an accurate fix on the yacht's location, he calls the yacht on the radio.
"What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
Jacob replies, "My position? It’s very good. I'm marketing director of a medium sized firm of solicitors in London."

The flight home

Moishe was travelling back to London on an El Al flight from Tel Aviv and it was time for the main meal to be served.
"Would you like dinner?" an airhostess asked Moishe.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

The insomniac

Daniel and Naomi go to bed and one hour later, Naomi is still awake. She is having great difficulty in getting to sleep so she decides to do what has worked before.  She nudges Daniel and says to him in a soft voice, “Daniel, turn over.”
Daniel replies, “£56,710.65.”

The birthday present

Avrahom walks into John Lewis department store and goes straight to the perfumery department.  He says to an assistant, "Today is my wife Sharon’s birthday and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.
The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."
Avrahom replies, "It sure will – she’s expecting a diamond necklace."

Good advice

Jeremy warned his son against marrying a 'shiksa.'
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," Jeremy said, "a shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, Jeremy called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied.
Jeremy was surprised and said, "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," Jeremy said, "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."

the tourist

A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
”Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”
“Why?” says his friend, “that bloke knew four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”

Havaii.

Isaac and Hetty were planning a holiday. As usual, they ended up arguing.
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you." Hetty said.
"Oy Vay, I never knew someone so stubborn. 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced." Isaac says.
And so it went on all the way till they got there.
As soon as they got off the plane, they asked a porter, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," replied the porter.
"Ha!" Isaac said, turning to Hetty, "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm always right."
Just before they began to walk away, Isaac gave the porter a hearty "Thank you."
"You're Velcome."

The best slalom skier in the world

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 gates as quickly as possible. Surprisingly, one year Israel had Avrahom, the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and had great expectations for a Winter Olympics gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 58 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 58.7 seconds, the German at 61.8 seconds, and the Italian at 61.1 seconds.
Then came the turn of Avrahom. The crowd waited, and waited...and then Avrahom crossed the line in .....three minutes!
"What happened to you?" asked the team coach when Avrahom finally got back.
Avrahom replied, "Which one of those idiots fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"

The witness

Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness box.
"How old are you?", asked the attorney.
"I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo."
"What did you say?"
"I said I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo years old."
"Please just give a simple answer to my question," said the attorney, "How old are you!?"
"Kayn ahoreh, eightytwo." replied Abe.
The judge then intervened, "If you don't want to be held in contempt of court, the witness will answer the question and only the question."
The defence counsel then got up and said to the judge, "Your Honour, may I ask the witness?" and turned towards Abe.
"Kayn ahoreh, how old are you?"
Abe replied, "Eightytwo."

FIRST DAY

A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day.
"Be a good boy, my boobaleh! Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy loves you very much, baby!
At the end of the day, she’s waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his first day at school?"
"I learned that my name is David."

JEWISH MOTHER CASH MACHINE

Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash machine? When you take out some money, it says to you "Nu, what did you do with the last £50 I gave you?"

Make me a Cohen, please

Manny approached the Rabbi of his Reform Synagogue and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible.
Manny offers the Rabbi £10,000, but the Rabbi won’t budge. He offers £50,000…then £75,000. Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the Rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen.
Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen too!"

THE PACKAGE

Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?"

The last meal.

Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Strawberries?"
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season."
"So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."

The convert.

Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

Kol Nidre night.

Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

The yiddish speaker.

Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Golders Green.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?"

A jewish mother ,a mindreader

Ruth looks down over her balcony and sees her son Mervyn playing football on the lawn.
"Mervyn," she shouts down at him, "Mervyn, please come inside at once."
Mervyn looks up at her and says, "Why mummy? Am I cold again?"
"No Mervyn, you're not cold," replies Ruth, "you want to eat."

Just to be sure

Ever since Emma joined her local choir, she's been singing in her kitchen whilst preparing dinner. But strangely, whenever she starts singing, her husband Joshua opens the front door and stands on the doorstep.
Emma doesn't know why he does this so one evening she asks him, "Darling tell me the truth. You don't like my singing?"
"Why do you ask?" he replies.
"Because every time I start singing when you're at home, you get up and stand on our doorstep," she replies.
"Well actually I quite like your singing," says Joshua, "but I just want to make sure that our neighbours don't think I'm beating you."

It was obvious

As Moshe enters the stadium for an afternoon of watching top Jewish athletes in action, he passes one of the competitors carrying a long pole. Even though it seemed so obvious, Moshe still goes over to the competitor and asks, "I suppose you're a pole-vaulter?"
"Nein," replies the competitor, "you're nearly right. I am a German. But tell me - how did you know my name vas Valter?"

The signing of the Wills

One evening, 75 year old Joshua says to his 73 year old wife Naomi, "We still haven't drawn up our Wills, darling, and I think we should do so as soon as possible. I know you've always been apprehensive about talking of death, but we aren't getting any younger and we owe it to our children. What do you think?"
"Well, ...... OK then," replies Naomi, "I suppose we must do it at some time. Why don't you call our solicitor tomorrow."
Two weeks later, following a stressful meeting with their solicitor, they are called in to sign their new Wills. As soon as they are seated in his office, the solicitor says to them, "OK, then. Which one of you two wants to go first?"
NB For those who are worried, Naomi only fainted for 2 minutes.

Popping the question

Aaron and his girlfriend Ruth have just spent a really nice Sunday afternoon together and as soon as he takes Ruth back to her house, Aaron goes into the lounge to talk to Mr Levy. 
"Hello Aaron," says Mr Levy. "And what can I do for you today?"
"I want .... I want to marry your daughter Ruth," replies Aaron, hesitatingly.
"Oy," says Mr Levy, "have you seen my wife yet?"
"Of course I have," replies Aaron. "She's very nice, but I still prefer Ruth."

Fish in the Bag

A  man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" 

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." 

The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

Job Test Cheater

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. 

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. 

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. 

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." 

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. 

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. 

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. 

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

ON SECOND THOUGHT

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse. 

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts. 

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

LET THE TRUCK DRIVER SLEEP

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab. 

"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger. 

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time. 

"It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield. 

But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25," says another jogger.

RUDE BUS DRIVER

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." 

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" 

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." 

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him. 

"You're right sir I think I will report him." 

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

LET IT RIP

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married. It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Half a year to live

Half a year to live
A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota.The woman asks: will this cure my illness?The doctor replies: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.

What causes arthritis

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

COMPATABILITY

My friend and I  were told that we are incompatible as co-workers you see I am a  Pisces and he's an idiot

THE TEST

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly. 2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

HAPPY TO SEE YOU

Last winter, a man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

FOUND RELIGION

A farmers pet dog died & the farme rwent to the priest,saying"Father,the dog is dead .Could you saymass forthe poor creature?" Father Patricks aid"No,we can't have services foran animal,there's a new denomination down the road maybe they'll do something for the animal."The farmer said "I'll go right now.Do you think $50,000 is enoughto donate for the service?"Father Patrick replied"Why didn't you tell me the dog wasCatholic."

I MIGHT BE.........

Boss, to four of his employees:"I'm really sorry,but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black employee:"I'm a protected minority."

Female employee:"And I'm a woman."

Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."They all turn to look at the helpless young,white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:"I think I might be gay..."

DON'T SERVE SNAKES

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."

"Why not?" asks the snake.

The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your alcohol...

I TOLD YOU

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another patient asked, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "Because G-d told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"