A dimwit walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The dimwit replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in England. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each of me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The dimwit becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The dimwit looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
Thursday, December 22, 2011
ENGINES STOPPED
A flight was on its way to Los Angeles when one of its pilots came and said "I'm sorry to inform you that one of the flight's engines has stopped functioning.
"This is no cause for concern because we have three more engines. However, the flight will just be delayed by an hour".
Shortly afterwards, the pilot reappears and says "I'm terribly sorry, but a second engine on this plane has stopped functioning. There is no danger; this plane can fly quite normally on two engines. However, the flight will now be delayed for two hours."
After about twenty minutes, the pilot comes and says "I'm afraid that the third engine has stopped functioning as well, but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more."
A dimwit passenger at the back of the flight turns to another passenger and says angrily "I hope that last engine doesn't stop functioning! We'll be stuck here all day!"
"This is no cause for concern because we have three more engines. However, the flight will just be delayed by an hour".
Shortly afterwards, the pilot reappears and says "I'm terribly sorry, but a second engine on this plane has stopped functioning. There is no danger; this plane can fly quite normally on two engines. However, the flight will now be delayed for two hours."
After about twenty minutes, the pilot comes and says "I'm afraid that the third engine has stopped functioning as well, but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more."
A dimwit passenger at the back of the flight turns to another passenger and says angrily "I hope that last engine doesn't stop functioning! We'll be stuck here all day!"
YEARLY PHYSICAL
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical and the nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale and it turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and tells her that she only measures 5' 5".
The nurse then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" the woman screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale and it turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and tells her that she only measures 5' 5".
The nurse then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" the woman screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
FRIED EGGS
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen and started saying: "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said BE CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?
The husband calmly replied, " Well...I just wanted to show you what I feel like when I'm driving with you in the car!"
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen and started saying: "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said BE CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?
The husband calmly replied, " Well...I just wanted to show you what I feel like when I'm driving with you in the car!"
GREATEST FEMALE FINANCIER
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Answer: Pharaoh's daughter--she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Answer: Pharaoh's daughter--she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
DISNEYLAND
Two students from Chelm were taking a trip to visit Disneyland.
On the way they saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left"
They both started to cry.
On the way they saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left"
They both started to cry.
TEN THOUGHTS ABOUT WALKING
Walking 20 minutes can add hours to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $8000 per month.
My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was 60.........................Now
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 450 dollars. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a very small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years....................just getting over the hill.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a "Happy Hour" and by the time I leave, I think I look just fine.
My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was 60.........................Now
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 450 dollars. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a very small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years....................just getting over the hill.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a "Happy Hour" and by the time I leave, I think I look just fine.
VEGETABLE STORY
Greengrocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed.
OPTIONS
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
GREAT WRITER
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
MYSTERY
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
ODE TO THE SPELL CHECK
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It cam with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew!
It cam with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew!
NOTHING
Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?
Right now the cops have nothing to go on....."
Right now the cops have nothing to go on....."
CONSTRUCTION WHODUNNIT
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers.
Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
ARK BUILDING
Ark Building
In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States
The Lord said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the flooding rains for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United StatesThe Lord said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the flooding rains for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Sunday, December 18, 2011
ANIMAL'S MOUTH
A waitress is explaining to a guest in the restaurant that the specialty
of the day is calf tongue in beautiful port wine sauce. The guest shakes
his head and says, "I don't want anything that comes from an animal's
mouth, just give me some eggs."
of the day is calf tongue in beautiful port wine sauce. The guest shakes
his head and says, "I don't want anything that comes from an animal's
mouth, just give me some eggs."
HOLIDAY FRUIT CAKE RECIPE
You will need the following: A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four
large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup
of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey and check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the
electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add
one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the
mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of
dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups
of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the
lemon uice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of
something. Whatever you find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the
whiskey again and go to bed.
large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup
of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey and check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the
electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add
one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the
mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of
dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups
of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the
lemon uice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of
something. Whatever you find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the
whiskey again and go to bed.
BEAN SOUP
"Waiter, what's this?!" "It's bean soup, sir." "I don't care what it's been. What is it now?"
Saturday, December 17, 2011
BIRDIE
two dimwit lovebirds were walking along the beach. Suddenly, the man says, "Aww, look at the dead birdie."
the woman looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
the woman looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
A LITTLE FURTHER
One day a woman got on a bus and sat with her 4 year old daughter. The whole ride she said, "hold on Marge, hold on, you will make it throw Marge, just a little further Marge, just a little further, hold on...."
When she got off the another woman told her, "that so nice of you to comfort little Marge." The woman looked puzzled, "no, my daughter's name is Ann, I'm Marge"
When she got off the another woman told her, "that so nice of you to comfort little Marge." The woman looked puzzled, "no, my daughter's name is Ann, I'm Marge"
INNER PEACE
By following the simple advice I heard on a Show, I have finally found inner peace.
They proclaimed that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
They proclaimed that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
THE RIGHT MAN
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, who also gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a great mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that stinking map lady!"
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, who also gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a great mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that stinking map lady!"
BUMPED INTO EACH OTHER
Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive."
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive."
TOO MUCH OF AN EXPERT
In some foreign country a rabbi, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The rabbi puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's let go .
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."
The rabbi puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's let go .
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."
IN PRISON AT WORK
IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in one 6x8.
IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK ... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK ... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK ... you carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK ... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK ... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK ... they are called managers.
IN PRISON ... all expenses are paid by taxpayers; no work is required.
AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON ... you spend your life looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out.
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in one 6x8.
IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK ... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK ... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK ... you carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK ... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK ... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK ... they are called managers.
IN PRISON ... all expenses are paid by taxpayers; no work is required.
AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON ... you spend your life looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out.
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says: "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Bill Gates. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked: "And... what happened?"
"One day Bill Gates reported his credit cards missing!"
The old-timer says: "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Bill Gates. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked: "And... what happened?"
"One day Bill Gates reported his credit cards missing!"
SLOW ESCAPE
Prisoner: “Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!”
Doctor: “I am... bit by bit!”
Doctor: “I am... bit by bit!”
WHAT TO DO!!
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
The software manager says: "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."
The hardware manager says: "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."
The marketing manager says: "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
The software manager says: "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."
The hardware manager says: "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."
The marketing manager says: "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
GOVERNMENT VIRUSES
Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all of your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Congressional Virus #1: Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Healthcare Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500
Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all of your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Congressional Virus #1: Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Healthcare Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500
SODA MACHINE
There was a young dimwit who was going to a soda machine and arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. he opened his wallet and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which he placed on a counter by the machine.
Then he reached into his wallet again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, he pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
he immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As he was reaching into his wallet again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me . but are you done yet?" he looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
Then he reached into his wallet again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, he pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
he immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As he was reaching into his wallet again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me . but are you done yet?" he looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
A DIMWITS BABIES
In the back woods of Arkansas, a dimwit's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous dimwit busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Enus!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The dimwit scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's that ther light that's attractin' em?"
To keep the nervous dimwit busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Enus!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The dimwit scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's that ther light that's attractin' em?"
FIRST AID
A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could
under the circumstances and went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could
under the circumstances and went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
THUNDERSTORM
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Rabbi, you're a man of G-d, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Rabbi, you're a man of G-d, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
DIET
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."
"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."
BUTTERED BREAD
Two sages of Chelm got involved in a deep philosophical argument.
"Since you're so wise," said one, sarcastically, "try to answer this question : Why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it's bound to fall on the buttered side?"
But as the other sage was a bit of a scientist he decided to disprove this theory by a practical experiment. He went and buttered a slice of bread. Then he dropped it.
"There you are! " he cried triumphantly. "The bread, as you see, hasn't fallen on its buttered side at all. So where is your theory now? "
"Ho-ho! " laughed the other, derisively. "You think you're smart! You buttered the bread on the wrong side! "
"Since you're so wise," said one, sarcastically, "try to answer this question : Why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it's bound to fall on the buttered side?"
But as the other sage was a bit of a scientist he decided to disprove this theory by a practical experiment. He went and buttered a slice of bread. Then he dropped it.
"There you are! " he cried triumphantly. "The bread, as you see, hasn't fallen on its buttered side at all. So where is your theory now? "
"Ho-ho! " laughed the other, derisively. "You think you're smart! You buttered the bread on the wrong side! "
CUNNING AGAINST GREED
ONCE there Was a cunning man Who Came to his rich neighbor and asked him to lend him a silver spoon. The rich man gave it to him. A few days later, the borrower returned the spoon and with it a small spoon.
"What is that for?" the rich man asked. "I lent you only one spoon." "Your spoon," the borrower replied, "gave birth to this little spoon, so I have brought you back both mother and child, because both belong to you." Although what the man said sounded foolish, the rich man, who was greedy, accepted both spoons.
A while later the cunning man again came to his rich neighbor and asked that he lend him a large silver goblet. The rich man did so. Several days later the borrower returned the goblet and with it a little goblet. "Your goblet," he told him, "gave birth to this little goblet. I'm returning them because both belong to you."
After a while the cunning man paid a visit to his rich neighbor for the third time and said to him: "Would you mind lending me your gold watch?"
"With .pleasure! " answered the rich neighbor, thinking to himself that it would be returned to him together with a small watch. So he gave him his watch which was set with diamonds.
One day passed, and another, and still another, but the borrower failed to show up with the watch. The rich man became impatient and went to the house of his neighbor to make inquiry.
"What about my watch?" he asked.
The cunning borrower heaved a deep sigh.
"Alas! " he said. "I am sorry to tell you that your watch is nebich dead! I had to get rid of it."
"Dead? What do you mean dead?" cried the rich man angrily. "How can a watch die?"
"If a spoon can bear little spoons," answered the cunning man, "and if a goblet can bear little goblets, why should it surprise you that a watch can die?"
"What is that for?" the rich man asked. "I lent you only one spoon." "Your spoon," the borrower replied, "gave birth to this little spoon, so I have brought you back both mother and child, because both belong to you." Although what the man said sounded foolish, the rich man, who was greedy, accepted both spoons.
A while later the cunning man again came to his rich neighbor and asked that he lend him a large silver goblet. The rich man did so. Several days later the borrower returned the goblet and with it a little goblet. "Your goblet," he told him, "gave birth to this little goblet. I'm returning them because both belong to you."
After a while the cunning man paid a visit to his rich neighbor for the third time and said to him: "Would you mind lending me your gold watch?"
"With .pleasure! " answered the rich neighbor, thinking to himself that it would be returned to him together with a small watch. So he gave him his watch which was set with diamonds.
One day passed, and another, and still another, but the borrower failed to show up with the watch. The rich man became impatient and went to the house of his neighbor to make inquiry.
"What about my watch?" he asked.
The cunning borrower heaved a deep sigh.
"Alas! " he said. "I am sorry to tell you that your watch is nebich dead! I had to get rid of it."
"Dead? What do you mean dead?" cried the rich man angrily. "How can a watch die?"
"If a spoon can bear little spoons," answered the cunning man, "and if a goblet can bear little goblets, why should it surprise you that a watch can die?"
Friday, December 9, 2011
THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING CHILDBIRTH
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
RIGHT HERE
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
BLACK WIDOWS
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
To stop the snoring before it starts.
WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED?
My whole family is shocked and surprised with the death of my uncle", says a man to his friend.
"Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend.
"He was 95 years old", answers the man.
"Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?".
"Because his parachute didn't open".
"Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend.
"He was 95 years old", answers the man.
"Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?".
"Because his parachute didn't open".
AGAIN AND AGAIN
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.
"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.
"What did you steal?" the judge asked.
"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.
"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.
"What did you steal?" the judge asked.
"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.
"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
CHEMIST
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist
The chemist replies, "That's it, I can never remember that word!"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist
The chemist replies, "That's it, I can never remember that word!"
PHARMACY BRIDAL REGISTRY
Jacob & RebeccaJacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests that they go in and have a look around.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests that they go in and have a look around.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
DOCTORS LOGIC
When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel of doctors to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter".
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some bum.
MediJokes.Com
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter".
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some bum.
MediJokes.Com
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
MENTAL AGE ASSESSMENT
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3.This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5.This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7.This is old cat.
8.This is dufus cat.
9.This is busy cat.
10.This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12.This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
I bet you cannot resist passing it on..
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3.This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5.This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7.This is old cat.
8.This is dufus cat.
9.This is busy cat.
10.This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12.This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
I bet you cannot resist passing it on..
HEART BEET
Heart Beet
Do you carrot at all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face.
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
- A Rocket in My Pocket: Rhymes and Chants of Young Americans
Do you carrot at all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face.
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
- A Rocket in My Pocket: Rhymes and Chants of Young Americans
THE GARLIC DIET
Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.
THE AFFAIR
His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'
Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'
REAR END
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of rear end glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What in tarnation is rear end glaucoma?" he inquires.
"Well, I just can't see my rear end coming to work today."
REPEAT
Why did Harry Potter have to repeat his first year at Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft?
Because he couldn't spell.
Because he couldn't spell.
WHAT COULD THEY HAVE DONE?
A woman was filling out an accident report. She had dented a parked car while trying to park her own.
One question on the report was, "What could the operator of the other vehicle have done to avoid the accident?"
She wrote, "He could have parked it somewhere else."
One question on the report was, "What could the operator of the other vehicle have done to avoid the accident?"
She wrote, "He could have parked it somewhere else."
ALL IN THE ACCENT
A Frenchman in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
Frenchman: Toilette pepper!
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
Frenchman: Toilette pepper!
HOW RUDE
Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.
Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."
"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.
Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."
FLEXIBLE
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
STAMP
A lady bought a stamp at the post office and asked the clerk,
"Shall I stick it on myself?"
The clerk replied, "It'll get there faster if you stick it on
the envelope."
"Shall I stick it on myself?"
The clerk replied, "It'll get there faster if you stick it on
the envelope."
STAYING AFLOAT
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
LOSE WEIGHT
Chaim Yankel, the fattest man in Chelm went to see his doctor for a check up. Dr. Epstein told Chaim Yankel that he needed to lose weight immediately, and the best way to do it would be for him to start running seven miles a day.
Chaim Yankel followed Dr. Epstein’s advice, and it seemed to be working. After only 40 days he had lost over 30 pounds.
Chaim Yankel phoned Dr. Epstein and thanked him very much for the excellent advice. But at the end of the conversation, Chaim Yankel said, “Doctor, I just have one more question. How do I get home, now that I am 280 miles away from home?"
Chaim Yankel followed Dr. Epstein’s advice, and it seemed to be working. After only 40 days he had lost over 30 pounds.
Chaim Yankel phoned Dr. Epstein and thanked him very much for the excellent advice. But at the end of the conversation, Chaim Yankel said, “Doctor, I just have one more question. How do I get home, now that I am 280 miles away from home?"
Saturday, November 19, 2011
THE PIG
A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The
farmer answers the door and says "Sure, we can put you up."
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs.
Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a
gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the
meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three
medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you
mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"
The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy
here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to
drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran
to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."
The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"
The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle
of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames,
busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To
show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."
The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about
the gold medal."
The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago.
This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man
far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"
The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his
meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"
The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like
THAT all at once!"
farmer answers the door and says "Sure, we can put you up."
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs.
Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a
gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the
meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three
medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you
mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"
The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy
here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to
drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran
to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."
The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"
The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle
of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames,
busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To
show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."
The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about
the gold medal."
The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago.
This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man
far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"
The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his
meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"
The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like
THAT all at once!"
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