MOMS DICTIONARY

Baby: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if
he's 42.

Bathroom: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except
mom to be self-cleaning.

Drinking Glass: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
Energy: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until
asked to do something.
Hamper: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but
not containing, dirty clothing.

A LECTURE

Moishie goes to the Rabbi and says, 
"Please help Rabbi for I have sinned, I have given in to my yetser hara (evil inclination)and been
with a loose woman". 
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Rabbi, because I don't want
to ruin her reputation."
 
The Rabbi asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" 
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
"No Rabbi."
"Was it Simcha Blumenfeld?"
"No Rabbi"
"Was it Josie Levine Morgan?"
"NO Rabbi! I cannot tell you."
 
The Rabbi finally says, "Moishie, I admire your
perseverance, but you must atone for your sins.
Your Teshuva (repentance )must be thorough.
Go back to your seat."
 
Moishie walks back to his seat and his buddy Levi
slides over and whispers,"What happened?!"
"Well, I got a lecture,
and six good leads!!.

EXPECTANT FATHERS

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital
waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man,"Congratulations,
You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence" the man
exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second
man, "You are the father of triplets." "Wow, what a
coincidence" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that
his wife has given birth to quadruplets."Another coincidence 
I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the
others ask what's wrong. "What's wrong?
I work for Seven-Up.

THE WHOLE SEASON

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"


A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

SAME REASON

A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?
Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown

POOL COLLECTION

Banta's son: Dad there is some one on the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.
Banta: Give him a glass of water.

EARING

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”
“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

TRAIN

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

WHICH MACHINE?

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

ANOTHER SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.

COMMUNICATION

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

I'LL BE GOOD

A boy says to his mother,"Mom, I'll be good for a dollar" The mother replies, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good, you should be good all the time"
The boy says,"OK Mom, I'll be good for 50 cents." The mother says, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good you should be good all the time.The little boy says, "OK Mom, I'll be good for a 25 cents." The mother says,"How many times do I have to tell you I shouldn't have to pay you to be good. You should be good for nothing, just like your father."

WINNING THE ARGUMENT

Bob: "So, you say that you won the argument with your wife yesterday."
Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees."
Bob: "Really? What did she say?"
Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward

CAR TROUBLE

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”
Wife: “In the swimming pool.”

MAJOR DECISIONS

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

ASHES

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

DRINKING

‎"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

FROG SOUND

One day a boy asked his grandpa "grandpa make a frog sound"
The grandfather asked why?
The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii”

CHICKEN

1 day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that farmer said?"1 little girl raised her hand and said,"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

CANDLE

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

LIVING WILL

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

MY MONEY

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

WOOD EYE

A man needs to get an artificial eye due to a work injury.

The eye doctor shows him a glass eye and a wooden eye. He can only afford the wooden eye so he buys it.

He is embarassed to have a wooden eye and doesn’t socialize.

He hears of a handicap dance and desides that he would risk going, thinking that no one would make fun of him at the dance since they have disabilities too.

When he gets to the dance he sees a beautiful young lady with a peg leg that no one has asked to dance.

He walks up to her and says, “Would you like to dance?” She says, “Would I?!” He yells back at her, “PEG LEG!!!”

PINOT MORE

Did you hear about the new blend of pinot blanc, pinot noir, and pinot grigio that acts as a diuretic? It’s called pinot more. I heard that through the grapevine.

The ACTUARY's PRAYER

Our model, which art in nowhere.
Guessing be thy name.
Thy assumptions come,
Thy will be done in future as it was in the past.
Give us this day our premium rates,
and forgive us our lousy estimates,
as we forgive those who supply us with bad data.
Lead us not into insolvencies,
and deliver us from auditors.
For thine is the #NAME?, #DIV/0!, and #VALUE!,
forever and ever. Amen.

NO BULL

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.>br> Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you,"says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

TRUCK

A guy at home hears a knock on the front door,he opens the door to two sheriff's deputies and asks if there is a problem.One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so,can they see a picture of his wife.The guy says "sure"shows them a photo of his wife.The deputy says "I'm sorry sir,but looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."The guy says,"I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

AMBULANCE

|A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!Operator: Okay, sir, you’re an ambulance!

FOR ALL MOTHERS

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

LATEST TOY

The latest toy has hit the shops is a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what it says, because no one has the guts to pull the cord.

TAKE HIS PLACE

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

RETURNING THE MONEY

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

ALBERT

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert!"

LONG SERVICE

Two elderly ladies were attending services. One lady leans over and says "Service seems long today my bottom is falling asleep". Her friends says "I know, heard it snore three times already!"

paranoid

My psychiatrist says I'm paranoid, but I think he only says that cause he's out to get me.

trying for years

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant told him.
"No, no, no... you don’t understand!" replied the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Cinderella and soccer

Why doesn't Cinderella play soccer?
Because she always runs away from the ball and she has a pumpkin for a coach!

Bunjee Jumping in Mexico

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know,we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished,there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd, What the hell is a piñata?"

WARNING

WARNING !!! Very important, please read!!! Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Coke and ice will ruin your teeth. That ice is lethal!!! Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!! 

WHAT THEY ALL SAY

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

WHEN WE DRINK

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we go to sleep.
When we go to sleep, we commit no sins.
When we commit no sins, we go to heaven.
So let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Noah's Ark

1. Don't miss the boat.

2. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY BIG.

5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

6. Build your future on high ground.

7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

8. Two heads are better than one.

9. Speed isn't always an advantage; the snails were on board with the cheetahs.

10. When you're stressed, float awhile.

11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built by professionals.

12. No matter the storm, when you're with G-d there's a rainbow waiting.

13. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside...

FLOWERY LANGUAGE

A business man in Chicago had occasion to write a Japanese friend in Tokyo. Mindful of the Oriental's appreciation of flowery language and of his own duty to the cause of good public relations, he ended his letter with the wish:

"May heaven preserve you always."

To the delight of the business man's office staff, the Japanese responded with:

"May heaven pickle you, too."

THE MARRIAGE PROCESS

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

BEFORE RETIRING

Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring. Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?

WASH YOURSELF

Hotel guest: Can you give me a room and a bath, please? Porter: I can give you a room, but you'll have to wash yourself.

HALF HALF

Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?A. When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

LASSIE'S SON

Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?It rips off your arm, then runs for help.

GETTING A BICYCLE

What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
“Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

TEXTING FOR SENIORS

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there

appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you

qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so

they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't get up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

THE APPLES

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray
'Take only ONE . G-d is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. G-d is watching the apples.'

I know your secret

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."

The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."

The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

I'll try too

A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."
"That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

HOTLINE

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Our Time!

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways ,but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

By Georges Carlin

FROG FUTURE

A frog decided to call the psychic hotline and see what his future held for him. The psychic says, "You will meet a very beautiful Jewish girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Oh yeah?" said the frog, "Where will I meet her? At a party, in the pond?"

The psychic hesitated, then responded, "You will meet her next semester, in Biology lab!"

The Three Hasidim

The Three Hasidim

Three Hasidim are each talking about who has the greatest Rebbe:

The first one says: "Our Rebbe is so great, we were walking home from schul on Shabbos and it was very hot. We said Rebbe it is so hot what can we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was heat. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the let of the Rebbe there was heat. And in the area around the Rebbe it became cool and fresh and they all walked home.

The second one says: "That's nothing! We were walking home from schul one Shabbos and it started to rain really hard. And we said Rebbe, we're going to get sick what should we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was rain. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the left of the Rebbe there was rain. But in the area around the Rebbe, there was no rain, and they all walked home.

The third said, "Is that all??" We were walking home from schul on Shabbos, and we spotted a large bag filled with gold coins that was lying in the street. And we said Rebbe, so much money, we could do so much work for the Hasidim, what should we do??" And the Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was Shabbos.....

Diamonds Are Forever

Diamonds Are Forever:

Sally is flying out to meet her boyfriend. She falls asleep on the plane and dreams about this gorgeous diamond ring he'll give her. When she opens her eyes, she spots an even bigger diamond on the finger of Mrs. Goldstein, a matron sitting next to her. This is the mother of all diamonds, it is enormous, flawless, glittering...

'My, that's some diamond you've got there', Sally says. 'I've never seen anything like it.'

Mrs. Goldstein sighs. 'I know, my child. This is no ordinary diamond. It's the famous Goldstein diamond. But it comes with a terrible curse.'

'It does?' Sally moves to the edge of the seat. 'So what's the curse?'

Mrs. Goldstein sighs again. 'Mister Goldstein.'

Funny Truths

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

True friends stab you in the front.

Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

DESCRIBE

Wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks, "What does that mean"? He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "? He said, "I'm Just Kidding' ". His eye is still swollen, but it will get better ...

SLEEPING ON THE JOB

My boss came in one morning and caught me sleeping at my desk. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."

The Microsoft waiter joke

The Microsoft waiter joke

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

JEALOUS WIFE

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

RECENT SURVEY

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"

GOING BROKE

books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke

Husband Shopping Center

There was this "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose from among many men, for her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they go.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please."

Heaviest Element Discovered

Heaviest Element Discovered

Researchers recently uncovered the heaviest new element known to science: administratium. Administratium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These particles are held together by morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of administratium causes a single reaction to take more than four days to complete, when it would normally take less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of three years. It does not decay but, instead, undergoes internal reorganization -- in which a number of the assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons and deputy assistant neutrons exchange places. In fact, administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons. A rapid increase in administratium's mass can result in the creation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass". You will know it when you see it.