Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Never go to sleep angry
When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry." "That’s a great philosophy," I noted. "Yes. And the longest we’ve been awake so far is five days."
Smaller man
When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my 200-plus-pound father and another large man. "I bet you wish you’d married a smaller man," my father said. My mother mumbled, "I did."
Wedding ring
Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?
A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.
Love me
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “I do.”
Wine
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
fortune cookies
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Gym instructor
''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''
work
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Stockholm Syndrome.
I’ve just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.
The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Late one night
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m an important politician!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
punished
One day a boy came home running while crying. His mother asked what happened why are you crying? The boy said`I got punished for something I did not do’. His mother said ‘That’s horrible. what did you not do’. The boy in tears said`my homework’
blessing
A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
A small boy is sent to bed
A small boy is sent to bed by his father… Five minutes later: "Da-ad…" "What?" "I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad…" "WHAT?" "I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!" Five minutes later: "Daaad…" "WHAT?!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
camouflage
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning." "Thank you very much, sir."
An old guy in his Volvo
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"
cold in here
Son: Dad, it's so cold in here! Father: Go stand in the corner. Son: Why? Father: The corner is 90 degrees.
responsible
Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job." "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."
operating table
This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe." But what does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
married for 50 years
A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”
problem with the car
Wife:"There's trouble with car. It has water in the carburetor." Husband:"Water in a carburetor? That's ridiculous." Wife:"I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." Husband:"You don't even know what a carburetor is.I'll check it out. Where's the car?" Wife:"In the pool."
lazy
A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to. When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Facebook joke
Facebook is like a fridge. Even when u know there's nothing new going on, u still go on & check it every 10 minute.
breakfast
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Monday, August 3, 2015
all the things
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
I try to live by the adage
I try to live by the adage: You scratch my back; I’ll let you know when to stop.
grass is greener
If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can be sure the water bill is higher.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby".
You should always give 100% at work.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Every time you talk to your wife
Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes'
"I've really had it with my dog
"I've really had it with my dog," said the first guy to his neighbor. "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle"
"Hmmm, that is a problem," said the neighbor. "What are you thinking of doing about it?"
"Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike
NO TO LIVING IN A VEGETATIVE STATE
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
PRIORITIES
A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?"
"Right here at your side, my love."
"And my son, Moishe...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my son, Abraham...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"What, none of you idiots is minding the store?"
WHO GETS THE KIDS
A couple of friends meet after a long time:
"I divorced my wife." One says.
"Really? How did you do it?"
"We hired a lawyer who helped divide the assets and stuff."
"What about the kids?"
"Well,...we've decided that whoever got more money would also take the kids."
"That sounds fair. And who got them?
"The lawyer."
"I divorced my wife." One says.
"Really? How did you do it?"
"We hired a lawyer who helped divide the assets and stuff."
"What about the kids?"
"Well,...we've decided that whoever got more money would also take the kids."
"That sounds fair. And who got them?
"The lawyer."
PRONOUNCE
Two dimwits were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one dimwit asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr- gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.
As they stood at the counter, one dimwit asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr- gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.
PREPARATION A
Q: What is Preparation A?
A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids.
A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids.
I can't believe I got fired
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
A recent study
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
house wifi
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
small donation
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Stockholm Syndrome
I’ve just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.
The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.
construction site thief
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
pile of books
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
kleptomaniacs
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Sunday, March 29, 2015
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