frog

A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a telle rnamed Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheapknick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

leopard

What did the leopard say when it ate the man?
That hit the spot.

eye doctor

What do you call an eye doctor living on an island in Alaska?
An optical Aleutian.

juice

A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines, and everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his bosshow excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down."But why?" protested the hapless young man."Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."

Smiths

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

weather

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.

grapes

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.

worm in your apple

What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?

Getting hit by a truck.

synchronized swimmers

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

Boy Scouts

Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street?
Because she didn't want to go.

kayak

Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit afire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

trouble

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

double

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Virus Alert

Virus Alert

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest antidote store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Wine vs. Water

Wine vs. Water

Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria".

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) --- the bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of it.

CULTURE

SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

glass house

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

run

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

problems

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but neither does milk

A balanced diet

A balanced diet: a cookie in each hand.

lesson

In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.

In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.

Generational Distinctions

People born before 1946 were called - The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2012 are called -Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?