THE WAR

During the 7-day Arab-Israeli war, the opposing armies were camped extremely close to one another on the first night of the war. One Israeli yelled out: “Hey Abdul, are you there?”

On the Arab side, Abdul stood up and said “Yeah?” The Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Abdul.

The second night, another Israeli yelled out, “Hey Mohammed, are you there?”

On the Arab side, Mohammed stood up and said “Yeah?” The Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Mohammed.

On the third night, the Arabs got smart. One of them yelled “Hey Moshe, are you there?”

The Israelis yelled back, “No, Moshe isn’t here but is that you, Achmed?”

Achmed stood up and said “Yeah?” and the Israelis took out the machine guns and mowed down Achmed.

A PROPER EXPLANATION

An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.

“That’s humiliation,” shouts the Iraqi, “why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!”

The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.

After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, “Tell me why you didn’t sign the check the first time but signed it later on?”

The Iraqi said, “You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it.”

THE AMISH ELEVATOR

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

THE MEANING OF WIFE

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? 
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime! 
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR THE 50TH

A man was talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?"

He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii."

The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?" 

He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."

4 LETTER WORDS

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

HOW HE MADE HIS MONEY

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents.

I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $3.50.

Then my wife's father died and left us ten million dollars.

LETTING SOMEONE GO

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."Female employee: "And I'm a woman."Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..

FUNERAL EXPENSES

A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After paying all of the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.

The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow replied, "Three carats."

ATM

 An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer who was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there ?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......

HOW LONG?

A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.

math

A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.

making friends

guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

artists

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

novocain

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? 

He wanted to transcend dental medication

THE DIAGNOSIS

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Be with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied

HARD TO FIND

Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking beer while discussing football and NASCAR.
All of a sudden Bill says, "Dad, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his beer and says, "Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

DO YOU LOVE ME?

A woman turns to her husband in bed and asks, "Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?"
"That's crazy. Of course not," he says. "I'd love you no matter who left you the money."

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannic. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

BUDDHIST REFUSAL

DDid you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? 

He wanted to transcend dental medication

ART

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

NEVER ,NEVER BE LATE

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. 

However, he was delayed, so the Priest was asked to say a few words in the meanwhile. Not being prepared to speak then, he wondered for a minute and then decided to share his experience on the first day in the parish to highlight how one should not rush to conclusions. 

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. 

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'.... 

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.' 

ENGINEERS IN A CAR

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer. “Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.” “I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.” They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?” “Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”

WHAT THE ANGEL PROMISED

Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at Heavens Gate.

He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.

Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

THE HUNT

A burglar enters the house of a hard working debt ridden middle income couple in the middle of the night. He was interrupted when the owner awoke. Drawing his gun, the burglar said, “Don’t move or I’ll shoot. I’m hunting for your money.” “Let me turn on the light,” replied the victim, “and I’ll hunt with you”

BROWN PANTS

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate ships in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

LOCK THE SAFE

The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.

He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"

"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

A DILEMMA

After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.

The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.

After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

I'LL HAVE A STEAK

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
She said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."And then the fight started...

FIRST FIGHT

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" 
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" 
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"

SAND

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

PRECIOUS BEER

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU GIT!!!!"

ONE OF THE HORSES...WHAT????

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."

LOOK!!!!

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."the second guy says hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!