Monday, December 31, 2012
frog
A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a telle rnamed Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheapknick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
juice
A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines, and everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his bosshow excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down."But why?" protested the hapless young man."Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."
grapes
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
Boy Scouts
Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street?
Because she didn't want to go.
Because she didn't want to go.
kayak
Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit afire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Virus Alert
Virus Alert
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Ki
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest antidote store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Ext
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Ki
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest antidote store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Ext
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Wine vs. Water
Wine vs. Water
Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria".
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) --- the bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of it.
Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria".
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) --- the bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of it.
lesson
In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.
In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
Generational Distinctions
People born before 1946 were called - The Greatest Generation.
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers.
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.
And people born between 1980 and 2012 are called -Generation Y.
Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers.
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.
And people born between 1980 and 2012 are called -Generation Y.
Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Oral Exam
Saul Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For
His Citizenship Papers.
He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate"
He Spelled It Correctly.
He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A
Very Cold Day, I Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I
Took The Subvay Home."
His Citizenship Papers.
He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate"
He Spelled It Correctly.
He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A
Very Cold Day, I Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I
Took The Subvay Home."
marrying a "shiksa."
A Jewish businessman warned his son against
marrying a "shiksa."
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A
shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, the father called the son,
who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied.
The father was surprised: "But we always work on
marrying a "shiksa."
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A
shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, the father called the son,
who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied.
The father was surprised: "But we always work on
Saturday. It's our
busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted,
"because my wife, the convert, wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause
problems."
busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted,
"because my wife, the convert, wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause
problems."
Three Eastern European Jews
Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel,
and Shmerel were talking about moving to the US.
Berel says, "When I move to America,
I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call
me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says, "When I move to America, I'll also
have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving."
and Shmerel were talking about moving to the US.
Berel says, "When I move to America,
I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call
me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says, "When I move to America, I'll also
have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving."
Kol Nidre
Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know
tonight is Kol Nidre, but
tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi,
I'm a lifelong Yankee fan.
I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCRs
are for."
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol
Nidre"?
tonight is Kol Nidre, but
tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi,
I'm a lifelong Yankee fan.
I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCRs
are for."
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol
Nidre"?
bus ride
A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.
The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
The old Jew doesn't answer.
"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"
The old Jew still doesn't answer.
The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
The old Jew doesn't answer.
"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"
The old Jew still doesn't answer.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I
really want to know what time it is. Why won't you
answer me?"
The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this
route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I
answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must
invite you to my home.
You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will
both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell
me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a
watch?"
really want to know what time it is. Why won't you
answer me?"
The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this
route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I
answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must
invite you to my home.
You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will
both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell
me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a
watch?"
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Air Force One
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff
. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor."Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath."Did you see this terrible accident happen?""Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly."Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?""Yep.""Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped."Nope. They's all killed straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.""The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief."Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
distraught wife
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
aspiring psychiatrists
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?""Sadness," said the student.And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," said she."And you sir," he said to the young hill billy, "how about the opposite of woe?"The hill billy replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Element Name: WOMAN
Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)Physical properties: Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Lemon Picker
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
Monday, January 16, 2012
NEW MACHINE
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine.
I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick!
It’s damned good though - it does everything .......... KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, crisps ........
I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick!
It’s damned good though - it does everything .......... KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, crisps ........
JUGGLER
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop.
“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
Monday, January 9, 2012
NEW EVIDENCE
The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's
chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes
a huge difference in my client's defence."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client is willing to spend an extra $10,000 on the case."
chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes
a huge difference in my client's defence."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client is willing to spend an extra $10,000 on the case."
ADVICE
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: ``My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.''
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: ``Do you like potato pancakes?'' She says ``No,'' and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, ``Do you have a brother?'' Again, the girl says ``No'' and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: ``If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?''
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: ``Do you like potato pancakes?'' She says ``No,'' and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, ``Do you have a brother?'' Again, the girl says ``No'' and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: ``If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?''
SIMPLE
A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.
Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"
"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."
Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"
"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."
OUTSTANDING COURAGE
Eleazer Bokar appeared at the gates of Heaven and knocked for
admittance. The great doors slowly swung open and the patriach Abraham
stepped out, blowing his golden trumpet. When he had finished the
welcoming concerto, he turned to Eleazer and said, "Greetings, blood
of my blood and flesh of my flesh. God awaits you."
Recovering from the awesome splendor of this type of welcome, Eleazer
quickly replied, "Father Abraham, I am ready to meet G-d," and
stepped forward to enter the celestial portals.
"Wait, my brother," said Abraham, halting Eleazer with an imperiously,
upraised palm. "Before entering G-d's Kingdom, you must first prove
that you are worthy of the honor."
"But how can I prove my worthiness," queried Eleazer.
"You must show that, at least once in your mortal life, you displayed
outstanding courage. Can you recall one unquestionably brave deed?"
Eleazer's face brightened as he said, "Yes I can! I remember going to
the Roman Consul's palace where I met him face to face. He was
surrounded by dozens of legionnaires, all of whom were armed. Ignoring
this fact, I told him that he was a camel's behind, that he was a
vulture who fed upon the bones of Jerusalem's oppressed, and that he
was a persecutor of humble Jews. I then spat in his face."
"Well," exclaimed Abraham, "I am impressed. I must agree that that was
an extremely brave feat to perform - considering the armed guards and
the Roman Consul's hatred of Jews. Yes, my brother, you have certainly
earned admittance into Paradise, but please tell me, when did all this
happen?"
"Oh," replied Eleazer casually, "right before you welcomed me."
admittance. The great doors slowly swung open and the patriach Abraham
stepped out, blowing his golden trumpet. When he had finished the
welcoming concerto, he turned to Eleazer and said, "Greetings, blood
of my blood and flesh of my flesh. God awaits you."
Recovering from the awesome splendor of this type of welcome, Eleazer
quickly replied, "Father Abraham, I am ready to meet G-d," and
stepped forward to enter the celestial portals.
"Wait, my brother," said Abraham, halting Eleazer with an imperiously,
upraised palm. "Before entering G-d's Kingdom, you must first prove
that you are worthy of the honor."
"But how can I prove my worthiness," queried Eleazer.
"You must show that, at least once in your mortal life, you displayed
outstanding courage. Can you recall one unquestionably brave deed?"
Eleazer's face brightened as he said, "Yes I can! I remember going to
the Roman Consul's palace where I met him face to face. He was
surrounded by dozens of legionnaires, all of whom were armed. Ignoring
this fact, I told him that he was a camel's behind, that he was a
vulture who fed upon the bones of Jerusalem's oppressed, and that he
was a persecutor of humble Jews. I then spat in his face."
"Well," exclaimed Abraham, "I am impressed. I must agree that that was
an extremely brave feat to perform - considering the armed guards and
the Roman Consul's hatred of Jews. Yes, my brother, you have certainly
earned admittance into Paradise, but please tell me, when did all this
happen?"
"Oh," replied Eleazer casually, "right before you welcomed me."
CRUMBLING DOWN
A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his
sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at
the richest man in town.
At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced,
"Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on
the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my
donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he
this time he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last
pledge."
He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at
the richest man in town.
At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced,
"Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on
the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my
donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he
this time he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last
pledge."
He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
BULLET POWDER
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to
live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his
oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great
grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his
oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great
grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
CONFESSIONAL ETIQUETTE
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin
with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things
like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel
about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest
says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying,
'Whoa... What happened next?'"
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin
with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things
like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel
about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest
says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying,
'Whoa... What happened next?'"
SIGN IT
elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from
the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor
dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed
woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some
news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the
people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part
of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of
the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and
tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian
winter!"
the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor
dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed
woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some
news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the
people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part
of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of
the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and
tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian
winter!"
LOVE
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says.
"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.
"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.
"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.
"No, that was desire," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.
"No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.
"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.
"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.
"No, that was desire," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.
"No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
WHO?
A man walks into a book shop and says, ‘Can I have a book by Shakespeare?’ ‘Of course, sir,’ says the salesman. ‘Which one?’ The man replies, ‘William.’
SECRET
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more
trustworthy.
'No woman can keep a secret.' said one man.
'I don't know about that,' answered a slow on the up take woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret
since I was twenty-one.'
'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.
'I hardly think so!' responded the slow on the up take lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twentyseven years, she can keep it forever.'
trustworthy.
'No woman can keep a secret.' said one man.
'I don't know about that,' answered a slow on the up take woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret
since I was twenty-one.'
'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.
'I hardly think so!' responded the slow on the up take lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twentyseven years, she can keep it forever.'
QUESTIONABLE ADVICE
When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and
colleague offered her some advice.
'The first ten years are the hardest.'
'How long have you been married?' she asked.
'Ten years', he replied.
colleague offered her some advice.
'The first ten years are the hardest.'
'How long have you been married?' she asked.
'Ten years', he replied.
LEPRECHAUN
A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50" The
leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts,
"You're a little short!"
leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts,
"You're a little short!"
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
FRISBEETARIANISM
Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
SHOCKED
"Was your friend shocked over the death of his mother-in-law?"
"Shocked - he was electrocuted."
"Shocked - he was electrocuted."
WOMAN
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and mayfreeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and mayfreeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
HEINEKEN UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle says "You can never be sure how many beers you had last night."
THEORY OF RELATIVES
According to Einstein's Theory of Relatives, the probability of in-laws visiting you is directly proportional to how much you feel like being left alone.
MICROBIOLOGIST
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
PREPARATION A
Q: What is Preparation A?
A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids.
A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids.
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
ANTISOCIAL
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.
CHARITY
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.
"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn’t you like to help the community?"
The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?"
"Um, no," mumbled the director.
"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"
"I … I … I had no idea."
"So," said the banker, "if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?"
"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn’t you like to help the community?"
The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?"
"Um, no," mumbled the director.
"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"
"I … I … I had no idea."
"So," said the banker, "if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?"
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