morons

Two morons rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.

2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

eyes

A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes." "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."

ice

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "G-d, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

hero

A man is out walking in New York city when he sees a little girl being chased by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by hitting the dog’s head with a stick and saves the girl’s life.The girl’s mother rushes over to him: “Thank you so much for saving my little girl. You are a true hero. Tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about ‘Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl’”

“But I’m not a New Yorker,” the man says.

“Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl,” says the mother.

“But I’m not an American neither,” the man says.

“So, what are you then?” asks the mother.

“I’m an Iranian,” the man replied politely.

The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:

“Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.”

missing

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

crazy english

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

a true flatterer

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...

"Judging from your skin, twenty;

your hair, eighteen;

and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet!"

golden wedding

Betty and Hyman are celebrating their goldeneh khasseneh at home with their family and friends. During the afternoon, Isaac, one of their friends, goes over to them and says, "Mazeltov! You two look so happy together. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how have you both managed to stay so happy and so loving for so long?"

Hyman replies first, "Well, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve tried very hard in all this time never to be selfish. After all, as my dear mother used to say, there’s no ‘i’ in the word 'marriage’."

Then Betty has her say. "Well," she says, smiling, "I look upon it differently. As far as I’m concerned, I have never tried to correct Hyman’s spelling."

endorsement

Yvonne goes into Bank Leumi to cash a cheque. When she gets to the front of the queue, she presents the cheque to the cashier and says, "I would like to cash this cheque from my husband, please."

The cashier looks at the cheque and says to her, "Madame, could I ask you for an endorsement on the back."

"Of course," replies Yvonne.

She then takes out her pen, turns the cheque over, and writes, "My husband Morris is a wonderful and loving husband. He’s very caring and honest, he loves his grandchildren, and he regularly donates money to the Jewish Care charity."

didgeridoo

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'-

cowboy in germany

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'-

ketuba

 A wife comes home to find her husband engrossed, reading their Ketuba with the help of a magnifying glass." What are you doing, honey?" he replies:"I am trying to find the expiration date".

a lucky guy

But I'm really a lucky guy said the man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'

mushrooms

I was talking to a guy in the line at the store. The conversation got around to wives, and he said he had been widowed three times. I said "Three wives, all dead and buried?" He said "Yes."
"What happened to the first one?"
"Poison Mushrooms."
"What happened to the second one?"
"Poison Mushrooms."
"And the third?"
"Fractured skull."
"How did that happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the Poison Mushrooms."

counting

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?" "Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack."

puddle

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

amnesia

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to become romantic again.

smart pills

One day a boy and his father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked his Dad, ''What are these Pop?''
''They're smart pills son,'' said his father.
''Eat them and they'll make you smarter."

So he ate them and said, ''Yuck...these taste like poop!''

''See,'' said his father, ''you're already getting smarter!''

running

One Shabbes morning a little girl was running so she wouldn't be late for Shul.

As she ran she kept praying, "Hashem, please don't let me be latefor Shul.
Please don't let me be late for Shul...."
As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

"Please, Hashem don't let me be late for Hashem -- but don't shove me either

hobby

A teacher writes on
the blackboard: I ain't
had no fun all summer.
"Now how should I
correct that?"

Little boy: Get a hobby.

hunting

What is a "successful hunting trip"? 
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

seafood

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner.

children

‎"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

--Dick Cavett

redneck hotel

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

all right

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

VENI VIDI___

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

sword

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Confucius

Confucius Say-Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

the password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a dimwit was using the following password: 
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy 
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

single

This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed." 
One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?" 
The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"

the liver

Doctor, someting's wrong with my liver.
Do you drink?
Yeah, but it never helps.

the loo

Why was Tigger and Piglet looking in the toilet? 

TO FIND POOH

blinker

A dimwit and his brother are driving in a car. 
The brother says to the dimwit, "go and check if
my blinker is working?" So th edimwit goes outside
and says, yes, no yes, no yes, no yes, no yes, 
no yes, no yes, no yes, no yes, no yes,
no yes, no yes, no yes, no yes, no yes.

pay phone

Q:Why did the Football Coach use the Pay Phone? 

A: To get his Quarterback!

AM RADIO

Did you hear about the dimwit who bought an AM radio?
It took her two weeks to figure out that you could
play it at night.

the bacon

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.

“Is there some place ahead where we can get food?” they asked.

“Vell, I tink so,” the old man said, “but I wouldn’t go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you’d run into a big bacon tree.”

“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon-train leader.

“Yah, an bacon tree. Vud I lie? Trust me. I vudn’t go dere.”

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jew said.

“So why did he say not to go there?,” a person asked.

“Oh, you know those Jewish people; they don’t eat bacon.”

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader, who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.

Near dead, the man shouts, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me.”

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, “Oy, vait a minute.”

He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.

“Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mistake! It vuzn’t a bacon tree; it vuz a ham bush!”,

a hungry man

An American Jew was shopping on Regent Street in London. He entered a posh gourmet food store. A sales representative, in a long morning coat with tie and tails, approached.

“May I be of help to you, sir?”

“Yes. I’d like a pound of lox.”

“Sorry, sir – do you mean smoked salmon?”

“Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.”

“Anything else, sir?”

“Yes, a dozen blintzes.”

“I believe you mean crepes, sir.”

“Okay, a dozen crepes.”

“Anything else, sir?”

“Yes. A pound of chopped liver.”

“You are probably referring to pate, sir.”

“Okay, a pound of pate – and could you deliver all this on Saturday?”

“Sorry, sir – we don’t schlep that chazzerai on Shabbos.”

VOTE

The Rabbi was hospitalized recovering from a heart attack when the President of the Congregation visited him. He said: “Rabbi, I have good news. By a vote of seven to four, I am here on behalf of the Board of Directors to wish you a speedy recovery.”

water wizard

Moses and Hashem are playing golf.

Moses went to take the shot. The ball landed in the pond, and sank to the bottom. Moses walked up to the pond, stuck his club into the ground, and the water split in half. He walked into the pond on dry land, the water hazard forming walls on the left and the right, and from there he took another shot: Hole in two.

Hashem shoots His ball right into the same water, where the immediately gets swallowed by a fish. The fish swims to the surface and gets swallowed by a bird. There is a sudden unexpected lightning strike, and the bird crashes to the ground… fried. The golf ball dribbles out of its gaping mouth… and rolls into the hole: Hole in one.

And Moses looked up, and said, “Do you wanna play golf, or are you just gonna mess around!”

a blaze of glory

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In a flash, the plant exploded into flames.

The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give fifty thousand dollars to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in, as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now one hundred thousand dollars to the fire department that could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard, as another fire truck came into sight. It was the volunteer fire company from the nearby Jewish rural township, composed entirely of menschen over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by these Jewish old men passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant… and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with an effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that, for such a superhuman feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film, asking, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Vell,” said Abe Hertzfeld, the seventy-five-year-old fire chief, “the foist thing ve’re goingk to do is fix the brakes on that feshtunkena truck!”