A couple arrives at the countryside:
“Honey this scenery leaves me speechless!” says she.
“Great! Then we’ll camp here!” replies the man.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
LET ME THROUGH
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that, "No, you may NOT play through, and your handicap does not give you such a right."
The foursome was on the first green. The man who told the deaf mute he could not play through was about to putt the ball into the hole when he was hit on the head with a golf ball and knocked out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and there stood the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
The man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that, "No, you may NOT play through, and your handicap does not give you such a right."
The foursome was on the first green. The man who told the deaf mute he could not play through was about to putt the ball into the hole when he was hit on the head with a golf ball and knocked out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and there stood the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
STRING
A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't allow string in this bar."
Dejected, the string leaves the bar and takes a seat outside on the curb. The string is overcome by despair and begins sobbing violently on the street, his body twisting and turning as he ties himself into knots over the rejection.
To add to his despair, a stray dog grabs him by the head and shakes him violently – tugging him like a toy and shredding his hair.
The string eventually regains his composure, stands up and dusts himself off.
"I won't allow that bartender to do that to me," he declares.
Walking back into the bar, he sits back down in the same seat. The bartender yells, "Hey! Aren't you that string I just threw out?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Dejected, the string leaves the bar and takes a seat outside on the curb. The string is overcome by despair and begins sobbing violently on the street, his body twisting and turning as he ties himself into knots over the rejection.
To add to his despair, a stray dog grabs him by the head and shakes him violently – tugging him like a toy and shredding his hair.
The string eventually regains his composure, stands up and dusts himself off.
"I won't allow that bartender to do that to me," he declares.
Walking back into the bar, he sits back down in the same seat. The bartender yells, "Hey! Aren't you that string I just threw out?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
AL-GEBRA
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious "Al-Gebra" movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the attorney general said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, "If G-d had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the attorney general said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, "If G-d had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.
LION TROUBLES
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted they head out together in search of her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick bush and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick bush and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
PRONOUNCE
Two dimwits were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one dimwit asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr- gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.
As they stood at the counter, one dimwit asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr- gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.
Friday, October 21, 2011
EXAM
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
CHORES
One night a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota, The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.
Helga had been visiting her friend, Lena, when the flood came. They escaped to the roof of Lena's house.
As they were sitting on the roof waiting for help to come, Helga noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back toward the house.
It kept floating away from the house, then back toward the house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floating away from da house, den back again?"
Lena replied, "Oh ya, dats my husband Olaf. I tole dat lazy man he vas gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!"
Helga had been visiting her friend, Lena, when the flood came. They escaped to the roof of Lena's house.
As they were sitting on the roof waiting for help to come, Helga noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back toward the house.
It kept floating away from the house, then back toward the house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floating away from da house, den back again?"
Lena replied, "Oh ya, dats my husband Olaf. I tole dat lazy man he vas gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!"
BEING LATE
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time that week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river – look, my suit's still damp – ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river – look, my suit's still damp – ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
PARENTHOOD
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes –
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
The Baby’s Name –
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth –
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette –
1st baby: You prewash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
Worries –
1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities –
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out –
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home –
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Your Clothes –
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
The Baby’s Name –
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth –
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette –
1st baby: You prewash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
Worries –
1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities –
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out –
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home –
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
THE VET
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a 100 percent certifiably dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a 100 percent certifiably dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150."
FREEWAY
As an elderly gentleman was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
HELP
One day, a man at a restaurant suddenly called out, "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I HAVE THE AUTHORITY
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The rancher says, “Okay , but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? ”
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis Bull……
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..
“Your badge… Show him your badge!!”
The rancher says, “Okay , but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? ”
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis Bull……
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..
“Your badge… Show him your badge!!”
IN A RUSH
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go playgolf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
BILL GATES VS THE GENERAL
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
'If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
'If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
HUNTIN'
At an Alabama police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousin shot him.
"Well," Bubba began. "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, any you fellas wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"The last thing I remember," Bubba said. "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game!'"
"Well," Bubba began. "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, any you fellas wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"The last thing I remember," Bubba said. "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game!'"
HOME COOKED MEAL
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a homecooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a homecooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."
HANGING ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one of them had to jump, otherwise they were all going to fall.
They were unable to choose among themselves. The woman finally spoke up and gave a touching speech.
She said she would voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids. In fact, she often made sacrifices for men in general, and she was used to always going above and beyond, expecting little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, the men gave her a round of applause.
They were unable to choose among themselves. The woman finally spoke up and gave a touching speech.
She said she would voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids. In fact, she often made sacrifices for men in general, and she was used to always going above and beyond, expecting little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, the men gave her a round of applause.
YOU DONT LOVE ME
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
Sunday, October 9, 2011
A MAN OF FEW WORDS
A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year.
So he waits 14 agonizing years – accumulating all his words – before approaching his beloved. Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat.
He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling, I have waited many years to say this – will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"
So he waits 14 agonizing years – accumulating all his words – before approaching his beloved. Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat.
He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling, I have waited many years to say this – will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"
TWO ORDERS
"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road.
"All I got were two orders."
"What were they? Anything good?"
"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"'
"All I got were two orders."
"What were they? Anything good?"
"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"'
LANGUAGE
One Sunday, a Jewish man takes his son to the golf course with him. When they return, the mother asks her son what he learned. The child replied, "Daddy uses the same language on the golf course as he does when he gets off the phone from the shul when they call up for donations after the High Holidays."
OLD GOLF
One afternoon, a young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a couple of hours at his disposal. He quickly came to the conclusion that if he hurried and played very fast, he could squeeze in nine holes on the fairways before he had to attend a business dinner.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old-timer hobbled over and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not able to refuse the request, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the man played reasonably well. He didn't hit the ball far, but he puttered along steadily and didn't waste time.
They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot.
There was a large oak tree right in front of him, directly between his ball and the green. He considered how to take the shot for a good long while. Then the young man heard the old man mutter, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, from where it thudded back on the ground, not an inch from where it had been originally.
The old man offered one more comment: "Of course, when I was your age, that oak tree was only three feet tall."
Just as he was about to tee off, an old-timer hobbled over and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not able to refuse the request, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the man played reasonably well. He didn't hit the ball far, but he puttered along steadily and didn't waste time.
They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot.
There was a large oak tree right in front of him, directly between his ball and the green. He considered how to take the shot for a good long while. Then the young man heard the old man mutter, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, from where it thudded back on the ground, not an inch from where it had been originally.
The old man offered one more comment: "Of course, when I was your age, that oak tree was only three feet tall."
A LESSON
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If a great and holy Rabbi were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be the Rabbi!"
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If a great and holy Rabbi were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be the Rabbi!"
6 CUPS
Young Freddie was eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially smart. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general "gofer" at a warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.
He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the guy at the counter finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black and two decaf."
He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the guy at the counter finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black and two decaf."
GETTING OFF CHEAP
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said, "and you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There's no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the Army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There's no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the Army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
MEMORIES
Curious after finding two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, a woman had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see a younger, slimmer version of herself, taken on one of her first dates with her husband.
When she showed him the photos, his face lit up.
"Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
When she showed him the photos, his face lit up.
"Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
DIAGNOSIS
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and said, "Basketball coach?"
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and said, "Basketball coach?"
CANVAS
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a big canvas painted black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.
The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
Liz replies, "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer or bicarbonate of soda?"
The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
Liz replies, "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer or bicarbonate of soda?"
STATISTICS
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.
SET UP
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer-support phone number we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused me even more.
"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"
Okay," the computer-support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused me even more.
"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"
Okay," the computer-support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
NICE GUY
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
DRINKING BUDDY
"Your wife will hit the ceiling when you come home tonight," said the man to his drinking buddy.
You're right," he replied. "She's a lousy shot."
You're right," he replied. "She's a lousy shot."
HOUSEWIVES
Three men married wives from different states.
The first man married a woman from Michigan. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Kentucky. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from New Jersey. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes and laundry washed, lawn mowed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything either.
By the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
The first man married a woman from Michigan. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Kentucky. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from New Jersey. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes and laundry washed, lawn mowed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything either.
By the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
BIG MEN
The first time I met my wife, she was an aerobics instructor at my health club and I was an out-of-shape new member.
After one grueling workout, I gasped, "This is really helping me get toned."
She looked me up and down. Feeling self-conscious, I added, "Big men run in my family."
She raised an eyebrow. "Apparently not enough."
After one grueling workout, I gasped, "This is really helping me get toned."
She looked me up and down. Feeling self-conscious, I added, "Big men run in my family."
She raised an eyebrow. "Apparently not enough."
PERSPECTIVE
Fisherman: "Hey, pal! You've been standing there watching me fish for three hours! Why don't you get a rod and reel and do some fishing yourself?"
SALESMAN
My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman.
Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "lifeguard." Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the insurance company.
"How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?" he asked.
"I can't swim," my cousin replied.
Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "lifeguard." Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the insurance company.
"How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?" he asked.
"I can't swim," my cousin replied.
A LITTLE SURPRISE
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he would like a bottle of Christian Dior for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" said the clerk.
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